Chapter 9 The Awareness of the Crimes
When I turned my
face toward my parents just after the second trial judgment was pronounced in
court, my mother called my name strongly in no voice and cried with her face
crumpling, and my father closed his eyes still with his face distorted
bitterly. The figures of my parents are branded in my mind, and tears well up in
my eyes whenever I remember them.
I terribly worried
about my parents than myself and keenly recognized for the first time how deeply
the families who had been suddenly bereaved of their family members were
pained, sad and tortured. The thoughts how much the fatalities would have been
concerned about their families, been regretful and fearful about being suddenly
snatched were approaching me clearly. And I understood I absolutely had to
reward my too serious crime.
On the other hand,
I was incredibly shocked that the life imprisonment sentence of the first trial
was assumed to be misconception and therefore I was sentenced to death in the
second though no new criminal evidences were presented, the fact situation was
not confirmed by the examination of the accused and I was not given even an
opportunity to explain the misconception from the beginning in the second
court.
However, this
cannot be compared with the regret of the victims who lost their lives though
there were no faults on their parts, so I just bowed my head without being able
to find the words.
I agreed to the proposal of my legal counsel for the final appeal. All my words and actions were by no means such that the second trial judgment could assume the first to be misconception.
"The Group
supporting Yoshihiro Inoue, a criminal condemned to live and continue atoning
for his crimes and sins" started on January 11th, 2007 in relation to Mr. Yusyo
Koto who had taught me religious studies in my first year at Rakunan Senior
High School and gave testimony at the first trial. Mr. Gyoyo Kodama acting as a
representative of the group is the former director of
the institute for Shinshu sect religious doctrines of Otani school of Shinshu
sect and one of the Buddhist priests inheriting the teachings of Shinran. Furthermore,
my teachers and friends of the group besides my parents lent me a helping hand
and gave me the opportunity to look back on my own crimes and sins.
I had thought it my
responsibility to have committed the crimes until then, but in the back of my
mind, I had defended myself by thinking "I had no choice but to commit the
crimes because I had been deceived and given the fear of death by Asahara". To
put it another way, I had attributed my crimes to Asahara and turned my eyes
away from them actually. However by facing up to my death, I got to be aware of
having to take the full responsibility for the crimes and also the sins of
having believed his teaching by myself. Thereby the overwhelmingly strong sense
of not excusing myself for them any more surges up within me.
In the admonition given
in the first trial judgment, Mr. Hiromichi Inoue spoke to me as follows:
"You must throw
away all of your pride, self-esteem, arrogance and conceit that caused you to
commit these incidents, and spend your days apologizing as an obedient person."
What I think
honestly when I apply myself to his words and phrases again now is described
below.
My pride caused me to try to support the murder deceiving myself though I realized that I was not able to carry out it. Because of my pride in saving others and being ascetic, I avoided accepting my inability to act as required.
My self-esteem caused
me to join Aum Shinrikyo and to be absorbed in it. I was confident of my
ability in the religious training. The other members of the Aum group believed
it to be unusual as well and I was proud of it. Such my self-esteem made me try
to deal with the difficult tasks assigned by Asahara. As a result, I had
committed many crimes.
My arrogance
caused me to take the irreplaceable lives of others in the name of salvation. I
thought the world to be destroyed by Armageddon seriously as if I had
understood everything in it despite no sufficient experiences in the complex
society. In addition, I didn't try to know the reality of living of others and
looked down on them for spending their lives meaninglessly in ignorance of the
truth. And, I blindly believed that we had to save many people from Armageddon
even though there would be sacrifices to be made by. Such my thoughts were
arrogance itself.
My conceit caused
me to lose the social skills. At that time, I entirely believed that guru's
will were absolutely right and I could not make a mistake as long as I
practiced what the guru intended to do. And I completely lost the viewpoint of
judgment on my actions and was not be able to look at the world outside of Aum
Shinrikyo any more. Such my conceit made me lose the social skills and the
human heart gradually.
In conclusion,
such my desire caused me to commit the incidents.
I continued
suppressing my conscience by my pride, self-esteem, arrogance and conceit. This
is why I supported the murder without considering the lives of others and the
other followers of Aum. I denied the dignity of others that should be called "life" by suppressing my conscience.
