Request for help with our petition

"The group supporting Yoshihiro Inoue, a criminal condemned to live and continue to atone for his crimes and sins," which was established in Kyoto, where Yoshihiro Inoue was born and raised, is collecting signatures for a petition to prevent his execution.  

We are against the death penalty system itself, based on the belief that any form of killing is unforgivable, for any reason. There is a possibility that Yoshihiro's death sentence could be overturned if a retrial were to take place. Yoshihiro was sentenced to life imprisonment during his first trial and to death during his second, indicating that opinions on the death penalty differ, even among judges. 

Yoshihiro called upon the Aum believers to withdraw from the religious community through his court testimonies. He has also devoted himself to uncovering the truth of the incident. If his death penalty were to be carried out, we would lose an important clue for preventing the reoccurrence of, and solving problems related to, such terrorist incidents. Therefore, in order to prevent similar incidents, we desire that Yoshihiro continue to live so that he can atone for his sins in the future as well. In addition, we would like him to devote himself to revealing the whole picture of the Aum incident, which is still not clear to this day.

We would be very grateful for your signature and support.

If you agree with our cause, please download a signature sheet from the link below and send it with your signature thereon to the address written on it.

Signature sheet

The group supporting Yoshihiro Inoue

The 20th Year of The Sarin Gas Attack on Tokyo Subway

We post a letter written by Yoshihiro in 2015.

March 22, 2015

It is 20 years since the sarin gas attack on Tokyo subway occurred. I cannot help reflecting on how the fatalities, the bereaved families and the injured persons suffering from the aftereffects would have spent their days if we hadn’t caused the incident. All I can do is just to make my apologies to them and to contemplate the pain of my crime.

Every time I see and hear the news that wars and terrorist attacks in the name of God occurred all over the world, many people were robbed of their irreplaceable lives in them or have suffered from them, those news acutely grieve me overlapping with my thoughts on the victims of my high crime.

Why do such incidents occur in the name of God?

I simply outline terrorist attacks based on religion from the perspective of the person who has committed the high crime in the name of God, namely me.

Looking back on those days, I got to leave judgment between right and wrong up to Asahara, the founder of Aum Shinrikyo, regarded as the only person who knew God’s will by blindly believing the just cause of saving people from the Armageddon (the final war in the world based on eschatology) in accordance with God’s will which Asahara set.

As a result, I gave up a sense of responsibility for my own words and actions which I should have had as a member of society naturally by following the teaching that we must not think for ourselves after I became a priest at the age of 18, and I stayed unchanged.

Asahara who had his followers at his beck and call in the name of salvation completely lacked a sense of responsibility for what resulted from his instructions to them as a member of society.

As described above, actually we all the followers of Asahara were not aware of the responsibility for our own words and actions as a member of society and conceited ourselves to be men of absolute justice which led to God beyond morality, and such our irresponsible behaviors escalated into the high crimes. “A lack of awareness of having committed a crime in the name of God” is probably one of the essences of cult religion.

By delving into this actual state in terms of the relationship between the founder and his follower for God as transcendent existence, it is clarified that the practice of the religious faith functions to deviate from the rules.

According to Asahara, the founder of the cult religion, when practicing asceticism on the beach in 1986, he was ordered to be “the Lord leading the navy and fighting” by God, asked God “May I use the force as a means?” and received the revelation “take the order” from God. It can be said that this revelation was the beginning of all the incidents caused by Aum.

Afterwards, Asahara began to preach on a theory of religious conflict and to justify himself by saying that God delegated the right and the power to overstep the social rules to him in his arrogance to distinguish the savers from the saved, the unordinary from the ordinary. He blindly believed himself to be transcendent existence like God, and by identifying himself with God that he imaged, he replaced his ambitions with the orders from God and ordered us his followers to achieve them.

We his followers blindly believed Asahara to be transcendent existence as God and were mistaken in thinking that we could be identified with God as transcendent existence and saved by obeying him(it was buddhistically interpreted as attainment of enlightenment in the group of Aum). I can say that in such a relationship between the founder as God and his followers, we really assumed that the orders in the name of God were given the power to overstep the social rules and obedience to them was absolute justice of God beyond right and wrong in human society because God was transcendent existence, and we obeyed the founder.

Is this the mechanism common to terrorist attacks based on religion all over the world?

While I think that there are various religions around the world and each of the religious persons considers God whom he believes in to be right, I keenly realize from my mistakes that we need to have a sense of humility to be aware that even if God whom we believe in is an absolute being for us, it doesn’t necessarily mean that our judgments or actions based on the belief in God are absolutely right as well. It is because we human beings are different from God, cannot become God no matter how firmly we believe in God, stay human beings permanently and sometimes make mistakes. That is to say the group of Aum should never have justified its own desires by replacing them with the orders from God.

Reviewing what I thought and carried out, I have noticed that the loss of empathy with others, namely dehumanization started exactly when I thirsted for the salvation and tried to identify myself with God or the person worshiped as an absolute being. In the Aum incidents, we imposed the salvation in which we believed on society at the sacrifice of many irreplaceable lives. I feel full of remorse for having done such excessively sinful and foolish acts.

As a person, I intend to face up to my crimes, be aware of the responsibility for them, consider continuously what I can do and put it into action one by one as long as my life lasts so that this kind of incident can never occur again in the name of salvation.

Yoshihiro Inoue

So As Not to Have the Mistake Repeated by Future Generations, Chapter 10

Click here for the ninth chapter.

Chapter 10 Sorrow and Love

I began to read the novels of Dostoevsky on the advice of my teachers, in order to learn what it means to atone for a crime, identifying my crimes with the crimes described in his books. I felt Dostoevsky gave a cold look at a person tortured by a guilty conscience, and I thought the reason for it was that a pang of guilt resulted from regret for having committed a crime, but didn't mean awareness of responsibility for a crime yet. And I found this passage when I read on, considering what responsibility for a crime is:

"Mother, everyone is really responsible to all men for all men and for everything. I don't know how to explain it to you, but I feel it is so, painfully even." (The Brothers Karamazov, Fyodor Dostoevsky)

When I read this passage, tears were flowing down my face for some reason. And then I felt I realized when I had radically strayed from the right path, that was when I had been deeply impressed with Asahara during summer vacation in my third year of high school. In his idle talk with his disciples, Asahara stated "emancipation is like becoming a drop of water. The practice of salvation is that a transparent drop of water melts into a great river as it is". I strongly wanted to melt into the flow of a great river made of mercy, as a transparent drop of water. This wish was my starting point of my activities in Aum Shinrikyo.

Asahara called the person who was a drop of water the "new breed of humans" who had developed one's spirituality by training. Then he regarded enlightening humans by the "new breed of humans" as salvation.

Now, I think the "new breed of humans" philosophy itself was the reason for my serious crime. That is because the way of thinking was absolutely an arrogant assumption of salvation, which excluded all meanings of existence by others who had different values, and was absolutely his own narcissistic work. It was Aum's training which deepened such narcissism.

At that time, I underwent various mystical experiences by training. Then, because of a light inside of me and because of an enlargement of my consciousness, I had a feeling that I was trying to touch life itself. Through that, I deepened my belief that, rather than rules of real society, it was Asahara's teaching based on such mystical experiences that were true. Soon I started to believe that Asahara, as the person who had reached final enlightenment, embodied life itself. As a result, I felt afraid of him dominating and depriving the lives of others, but I felt a sense that there was no way to go against him.

In the final analysis my error was that I entrapped myself in Asahara's exclusive possession of my life. I felt the opposite of such exclusive possession of life in the story of "The Brothers Karamazov".

When I was a first year high school student, I saw lonely old men and old women in a hospital for seniors. I felt that old people were abandoned, which made me angry. I thought, "I should do something to change this". Back then, although I didn't know "how to explain", at that time, in front of these old people who seemed to be abandoned, without feeling true sympathy or love to others, I merely looked on them, in this sense, I was a criminal. Rather than feeling anger, I should have felt deep sorrow. By feeling deep, deep sorrow about human suffering, I should have been aware of the human state in which he or she couldn't live without committing some sin.

Now, I feel that "the great transparent river of mercy" doesn't exist, and should not exist. If one person separates himself or herself from others, and if he or she believe that he or she is only excellent compared with others, and believes that he or she is absolutely right, how can the person understand the sorrow and suffering of humans who can't live without sinning? How can he or she sincerely sympathize with others, understand others, and love others? I didn't understand even one of those important points.

On top of that, according to what I have learned after my arrest, the mystical experience induced by the training was essentially to realize the common state which existed inside of the life. It was for a deep understanding of "even if the state of life is very different, all creatures are kept alive equally by all life". However, because of my mystical experience, I fooled myself into thinking I was special. And then, I had a huge ego thinking that I was allowed to do more things than others on the pretext of saving many people.

I should have dived into the vast expanse of experiences made up of people's lives - their uncleanness, sufferings and sorrows - rather than "the great transparent river of mercy", which was nothing more than narcissism. And then I should have personally learned what it meant to love someone in the sorrow of living.

"What can I do?" When I can do nothing and I am crouching down in a prison cell, it seems that sorrow related to various crimes come to me. The indescribable sufferings of victims of various crimes overlap with my thoughts on the victims of my crime. I feel a stabbing pain in my chest. Everyone who is in prison didn't want to commit a crime, did they?  I keenly feel the sorrow of criminals who committed crimes despite that.　

Is there salvation for those who suffer from a sense of sin by this awareness? I can't help asking myself. But I just can't come up with the right answer. But once more, I have come to the painful realization of how foolish it is to have blindly believed that there was salvation through the cause, and how deeply sinful it is to have pretended to be a saint, to have talked about saving people.

When I was in middle and high school, I despised the sins and contradictions that humans created and I rejected them. Because of this rejection, I was driven by a sense of justice that I should reform modern-day society as it heads toward Armageddon. I pretended to be a good person thinking that I was a prominent leader. But in fact, I was self-absorbed in our salvation story, I immured myself, I lost sympathy which a person should have towards others.

Nevertheless, I was under the vain conceit of presuming that I was a Bodhisattva-destined to bear the burden of the suffering of others. And so I had come to view all things on my own convenient terms, on the mistaken premise that I was doing good for the sake of my fellow man. In the end, we imposed our "salvation" on a general public who didn't want Aum's salvation at all. We took the irreplaceable lives of others.

As I look on such serious crimes, I become dejected at the seriousness of my crime and the sorrow. However, the more my despair deepens, the more I feel the power of life that thrives within me. I feel that this power visits me not only from my desire to live, but also from life's love, which is more grand and keeps an eye on every life.

The more I feel the love for the life of the boundless affection of living creatures, I keenly feel how horrible and sinful it is to have taken away these lives. I feel so sorry for the victims. I was overflowing with tears that wouldn't stop.

Why did this kind of thing happen?

At least, I can't help asking myself again and again so that this kind of incident can never occur again in the name of salvation.

The End.

So As Not to Have the Mistake Repeated by Future Generations, Chapter 9

Click here for the eighth chapter.

Chapter 9 The Awareness of the Crimes

When I turned my face toward my parents just after the second trial judgment was pronounced in court, my mother called my name strongly in no voice and cried with her face crumpling, and my father closed his eyes still with his face distorted bitterly. The figures of my parents are branded in my mind, and tears well up in my eyes whenever I remember them.

I terribly worried about my parents than myself and keenly recognized for the first time how deeply the families who had been suddenly bereaved of their family members were pained, sad and tortured. The thoughts how much the fatalities would have been concerned about their families, been regretful and fearful about being suddenly snatched were approaching me clearly. And I understood I absolutely had to reward my too serious crime.

On the other hand, I was incredibly shocked that the life imprisonment sentence of the first trial was assumed to be misconception and therefore I was sentenced to death in the second though no new criminal evidences were presented, the fact situation was not confirmed by the examination of the accused and I was not given even an opportunity to explain the misconception from the beginning in the second court.

However, this cannot be compared with the regret of the victims who lost their lives though there were no faults on their parts, so I just bowed my head without being able to find the words.

I agreed to the proposal of my legal counsel for the final appeal. All my words and actions were by no means such that the second trial judgment could assume the first to be misconception.

"The Group supporting Yoshihiro Inoue, a criminal condemned to live and continue atoning for his crimes and sins" started on January 11^th, 2007 in relation to Mr. Yusyo Koto who had taught me religious studies in my first year at Rakunan Senior High School and gave testimony at the first trial. Mr. Gyoyo Kodama acting as a representative of the group is the former director of the institute for Shinshu sect religious doctrines of Otani school of Shinshu sect and one of the Buddhist priests inheriting the teachings of Shinran. Furthermore, my teachers and friends of the group besides my parents lent me a helping hand and gave me the opportunity to look back on my own crimes and sins.

I had thought it my responsibility to have committed the crimes until then, but in the back of my mind, I had defended myself by thinking "I had no choice but to commit the crimes because I had been deceived and given the fear of death by Asahara". To put it another way, I had attributed my crimes to Asahara and turned my eyes away from them actually. However by facing up to my death, I got to be aware of having to take the full responsibility for the crimes and also the sins of having believed his teaching by myself. Thereby the overwhelmingly strong sense of not excusing myself for them any more surges up within me.

In the admonition given in the first trial judgment, Mr. Hiromichi Inoue spoke to me as follows:

"You must throw away all of your pride, self-esteem, arrogance and conceit that caused you to commit these incidents, and spend your days apologizing as an obedient person."

What I think honestly when I apply myself to his words and phrases again now is described below.

My pride caused me to try to support the murder deceiving myself though I realized that I was not able to carry out it. Because of my pride in saving others and being ascetic, I avoided accepting my inability to act as required.

My self-esteem caused me to join Aum Shinrikyo and to be absorbed in it. I was confident of my ability in the religious training. The other members of the Aum group believed it to be unusual as well and I was proud of it. Such my self-esteem made me try to deal with the difficult tasks assigned by Asahara. As a result, I had committed many crimes.

My arrogance caused me to take the irreplaceable lives of others in the name of salvation. I thought the world to be destroyed by Armageddon seriously as if I had understood everything in it despite no sufficient experiences in the complex society. In addition, I didn't try to know the reality of living of others and looked down on them for spending their lives meaninglessly in ignorance of the truth. And, I blindly believed that we had to save many people from Armageddon even though there would be sacrifices to be made by. Such my thoughts were arrogance itself.

My conceit caused me to lose the social skills. At that time, I entirely believed that guru's will were absolutely right and I could not make a mistake as long as I practiced what the guru intended to do. And I completely lost the viewpoint of judgment on my actions and was not be able to look at the world outside of Aum Shinrikyo any more. Such my conceit made me lose the social skills and the human heart gradually.

In conclusion, such my desire caused me to commit the incidents.

I continued suppressing my conscience by my pride, self-esteem, arrogance and conceit. This is why I supported the murder without considering the lives of others and the other followers of Aum. I denied the dignity of others that should be called "life" by suppressing my conscience.

Continued to the tenth chapter.

So As Not to Have the Mistake Repeated by Future Generations, Chapter 8

Click here for the seventh chapter.

Chapter 8 The heinous criminal

Why did the religious sect aim for the armed revolution?

In the chapter "Blind Nightmare" in "Underground" by Haruki Murakami, he raises a question that there is the possibility that the logic and the system of ordinary people and the logic and the system of Aum Shinrikyo shared images like a kind of two mirrors. On top of that, he states that, in the system (highly controlled society), the power process aimed at attaining autonomy is only the mirror image of the other-dependent power process enforced by the system, autonomy and dependency are like light and shade, caught in the pull of each other's gravity, after considerable trial and error, each individual can find his or her own place in the world. And he said "The reason why a person fails to achieve this balance is that balanced and soft self-development is impeded at some stage for some reason. When shelving that impediment, he or she tries to overcome only by a hard logic called "the power process aimed at attaining autonomy", a physical (legal) friction occurs between social logic and individual."

When I look back on those days with considering both the sect's actual condition and Mr. Murakami's quotation, I can say that Asahara concluded that "the other-dependent power process" of the modern society would trigger off Armageddon and would kill all humans, on the other hand, he concluded that only "autonomy" whom Asahara who said guru's will was absolute gave would save humans from Armageddon, and would lead his disciples to a spiritual awakening.

As for this dualism, it lacked the viewpoint that individual autonomy was created as the mirror image of dependency in the first place. So, there was no idea itself that the sect tried to find its position in the system of this modern society, it can be said that, more than a physical (legal) friction between social ethics and individuals, Asahara concluded that changing the logic of his doctrine into the social logic was salvation. This was nothing short of a fundamental shakeup of the social system, and it can be said that this was nothing but the system that could provoke an armed revolution.

According to what I have learned after my arrest, in true training, it seems that even if you have a mystical experience, you should not see it by objectifying it. Because if you see it by objectifying it, you give it special value, and you fall into deviation in which you form self-satisfied autonomy which lacks the feeling of dependency. I think the revelation "the Load leading the navy and fighting" that Asahara received from god is a typical example of this deviation.

In Buddhism, the importance of removing self-obsession and having mercy to all sentient beings is talked. It could be said that these are processes to tear down the ego which differentiates the self from others; to attain awareness of the interdependent stream in which humans, along with animals, nature, and the cosmos are as one; and to awaken this stream in each individual. In short, it can be said that this is a process to regain the balance of both the power processes.

However, Asahara abused the training method to tear down the ego, made his disciples have mystical experiences, he replaced the experiences with the world of truth. So, more trained, his disciples lost his or her self more, lost the feeling of dependency, swallowed the world of autonomy which was Asahara's fancies, and were identified with it.

In Asahara's religious war logic, he justified himself by saying that god delegated the right and the power to overstep the social rules to him in his arrogance to distinguish the savers from the saved, the unordinary from the ordinary. And then, in the sect, both Asahara and his disciples, being motivated by the desire to be identified with god, they put themselves in the position of absolute truth, absolute good beyond right and wrong, on the pretext of saving many people from Armageddon, did various barbarous behaviors which were included in an armed revolution. I think this is one truth of the sect's sins.

At that time, I believed that the identification with god which was said to have the will to save humans was only the path to save myself, I didn't think it would be desire. Reviewing what I thought and carried out, I have noticed that the loss of empathy with others, namely dehumanization started exactly when I thirsted for salvation and tried to identify myself with God or the person worshiped as an absolute being.

About "a kind of images of two mirrors", Mr. Murakami said "it is, in a way, our inner ghosts (underground) whom we evade to face, consciously or unconsciously exclude from the face of the reality, isn't it?" As for these "inner ghosts", I think from my mistakes that these "inner ghosts" means that humans tend to lose sight of dependency, to be self-satisfied, to be identified with stories that others make up, and to be swallowed by them. In wars, armed revolutions, religious wars repeated in human history, in order to knock the foundation of the social system which is the origin of dependency, justification of killings by collective violence was made because of these "inner ghosts", I think.

It is said that, about World War II, propaganda saying "it is a crusade to realize Arcadia and establish the Greater East Asia Co-Prosperity Sphere" was spread throughout Japan. The Aum Incidents were smaller in scale, but on the point that killing others was justified as good in the name of god, it should be no different from the war.

In order not to repeat tragedy, I keenly realize that we need to have a sense of humility to think that there is no cause to deny the dignity of life, to think that this world is full of contradictions, and to think that we human beings sometimes make mistakes.

Continued to the ninth chapter.

So As Not to Have the Mistake Repeated by Future Generations, Chapter 7

Click here for the sixth chapter.

Chapter 7 Prophecy

Here, from the viewpoint of why the sect caused the sarin gas attack on the Tokyo subway, I will explain the main ideas that its purpose was fulfilling its prophecy.

At about 4:00 a.m. we arrived at the second Aum Shinrikyo training facility, Asahara said "I will meditate for thinking" and he got off limousine. In the limousine, nothing concrete was not decided. Based on the evidence, it is assumed that at approximately 9:00 a.m. on the 18^th, in order to prevent the compulsory investigation, HM instructed the perpetrators to carry out the sarin gas attack on the Tokyo subway, but as a total of the sect, like disposing illegal articles such as AK rifles and so on from the morning of the 18^th, it took measures on the premise of the compulsory investigation.

Early morning of the 18^th, HM said to me "I command members of Department of Science and Technology for releasing sarin on subway trains. Before it, I want you to plant time bomb at a place of Dr. Shimada, and to throw a firebomb to Aoyama training hall", but I was not explained why we would trigger off these incidents.

As for self-provoking of my part, I could understand that the purpose would be laying the groundwork for making the compulsory investigation be seen as oppression of religion. However, about the sarin gas attack on the Tokyo subway, in the limousine, the conclusion was that it would be impossible to avoid the compulsory investigation even if they released sarin, I couldn't understand its purpose, vaguely, I imagined that Asahara decided to trigger off the incident as gods' will after getting off limousine.

At the night of the 19^th, the police raided the Osaka branch. In October, 1990, when the Kumamoto police had raided the sect by the doubt of violation of the National Land Use Planning Act, the object had been the sect in all of Japan, so by the raid on the Osaka branch, the raid on all the buildings of the sect was just a matter of time, it had already become a problem that went beyond merely preventing the raid or changing its course.

In the gray of the morning of the 20^th, in the seventh Aum Shinrikyo training facility, HM said to the perpetrators of the sarin gas attack on the Tokyo subway "The police raided the Osaka branch. The policemen entered the branch like mobile troops. It is truly a war" when he sent them. This HM's word apparently contradicts the saying that they triggered off the sarin gas attack on the Tokyo subway in order to prevent the raid.

What was the purpose of the sarin gas attack on the Tokyo subway?

From about 4:00 a.m. when limousine arrived at Kamikuishiki-village to about 9:00 a.m. when the perpetrators received the instructions from HM, in these five missing hours, I'm sure that Asahara and others decided it in conspiracy. Although I was not in the conspiracy, if I suggest from the condition at that time and actual situation of the sect, it is rational to see that Asahara decided it for fulfilling his prophecy, on that, he intended to take preparatory steps for making his disciples responsible for it.

Asahara made his own gods' revelation be gods' will, from Nostradamus's Great Prophecies books, he read "in order to clear human accumulated sinful deeds, god will trigger off Armageddon and subsequent wars", "Nostradamus also predicted that god or super humans who received god's will would trigger off huge wars to ruin human beings" and he created his religious war theory.

Like this, Asahara, as his identity, believed that he was a savor who would save humans from the ruin, and who would create a new world, by triggering off Armageddon written in various prophecy books.

Then Asahara had triggered off the incidents which could be read from prophecy or astrology for fulfilling prophecy. For example, the Kameido Bacillus anthracis attacks was conducted by decoding of prophecy, the date of Matsumoto sarin gas attack was decided by astrology.

On January 1^st,1995, although the scoop about relationship between Matsumoto sarin gas attack and the sect was carried in Yomiuri newspaper, on the 8^th of the same month, the sect had a talk between Asahara and HM titling "1995 predicted by astrology" by the sect's radio network. There, he suggested that a "religious war", in other words, an armed revolution by the sect would occur in November, and that, between January and April, a "phenomenon" before its "purification", in other words, a preliminary skirmish would occur.

When I recall dispassionately, if I see that Asahara, after the conversation in limousine, he meditated to think, and then he made fulfilling of his prophecy decide the fate, the facts and actual condition meets. During the investigation, I heard that a letter of responsibility of the sarin gas attack on the Tokyo subway was found in KI's personal computer, and I saw its copy. In the gray of the morning of the 20^th, the time when it had been printed out remained, the context was one which could be read as a preliminary skirmish whose purpose was change of government.

As for HM's explanation that it was for preventing the raid to the perpetrators, it is natural to see that it was a superficial excuse that although the raid was inevitable and the sect might be broken down, it was easier to motivate the perpetrators if he said that it was for protecting the sect rather than saying it was for fulfilling prophecy. In essence, no matter whether preventing the raid would be possible or not, on the 2^nd of April, because I heard Asahara's message from KH, "if I live till November, I'm sure I will overturn", for Asahara, the sarin gas attack on the Tokyo subway was for fulfilling his prophecy.

When I attended testimony for Asahara, he intimidated me saying "Think why HM died. If you didn't talk, that’s it". As for his saying, it seems that, by saying so, he intended to take preparatory steps for making disciples responsible for the sarin gas attack on the Tokyo subway.

It also can be seen in the evidence in which, in the morning of the 18^th, when HM ordered the perpetrators, he didn't say it was Asahara's order, instead, he said "you can refuse", in which, at about two in the morning of the 20^th, because Asahara scolded HM saying "pull yourself together, or you fail", HM tried to make the perpetrators who were in Kamikuishiki-village meet Asahara, but Asahara wouldn't meet them.

The Organized activity in the sect was separated in three. The first was a level of Asahara. The second was a level of those who constructed systems and led operation for delivering Asahara's doctrine and action plan to all of the sect including priests, laymen and laywomen, and those who innovated, planned, and recommended various preparations for an armed revolution with Asahara. The third was a level of those who conducted the decided principles and orders.

In the Aum Incidents, Asahara and his disciples who were directly involved in the incidents at the site were subject to criminal liability. When Asahara's orders were delivered to his disciples, there are signs that level two disciples and Asahara had various talks. But they are not subject to even criminal liability by refusing to testify. In the sarin gas attack on the Tokyo subway too, after the talk in the limousine, there were the five missing hours between the talk and the orders to the perpetrators, and as for the letter of responsibility of the crime, because Asahara and they refused to testify, the essence of the true conspiracy, motivation for the crime, and its purpose are not reflected on the incident's plot itself (as if there were not their roles), and not solved.

Continued to the eighth chapter.

So As Not to Have the Mistake Repeated by Future Generations, Chapter 6

Click here for the fifth chapter.

Chapter 6 Madness

After the scoop of Yomiuri newspaper of January 1^st of 1995, Asahara strictly blamed "you said you would be able to manufacture 7 tons of sarin by December but you couldn't and we are in this situation. I did ordered to do in December. What will you do?"

At that time, Asahara said in careless tone "That's enough about K". By Asahara's order, I asked K who had been a policeman of Tokyo Metropolitan Police Department Public Security Bureau how was secret investigation of the sect about Matsumoto sarin gas attack after the scoop by Yomiuri. According to K, in his work site, although he heard figuring out of purchase route of medicine was conducted as the same as Yomiuri's line, he was only at the very lowest rung, so he didn't know more. Then it was when I reported it.

The latter 10 days of January, Asahara ordered to kill Ryuho Ohkawa by spraying botulinum toxin during his lecture in Yokohama Arena. One day before of his lecture, Ohkawa's whereabouts was known, and it developed to VX attack to Ohkasawa, but there was no damage.

On February 6^th, Our plan to build various types of companies and turn employees into disciples started, it was called Taiyoseijaku alliance. I was ordered to make "matchmaking service". In this work, my subordinates who had been in charge of study of issues of near future in CHS (intelligence department) was ordered the same thing, in fact, the group was apart from CHS. On top of that, SH was in charge of semiconductor factory which was under control of HM, in order to gather information in Yugoslavia, as a leader, SH took CHS's members. At that time, there were one thousand several hundred samanas, but I could use only five samanas, of the three had left the sect once but I had made them return. "It seems that Asahara fears that power of subordinates or works will be gathered to me. If so, it is so dangerous." I felt I was nearly cornered.

On the 9^th of the same month, "Inoue, K, if you do the same thing again, you are dead", Asahara was furious at the minister meeting. In CHS, even samanas who could do accounting was not given, so I asked a female samana who had been my subordinate at the time when I had been a general manager of Tokyo to help. Its claim was delivered to Asahara; the reason was the female samana had romantic feeling to me.

In mid-February, I was severely scolded by Asahara, "This happens because you're not willing to do it. What do you think of gods' will?" He was saying about the thing, for investigation of Mr. Ohkawa, samanas of the Ministry of Home Affairs were dispatched, but they were unskilled, CHS's samanas couldn't say a thing to them because they were in higher stage, so the both couldn't cooperate, soon they were found by the side of Mr. Ohkawa.

Several days later, when I was asked about how things were in Mr. Ohkawa's condominium, and I reported, Asahara and HM started a plan in which they would prepare microwave generating equipment to irradiate it to the condominium for killing the all residents. I promptly let it slip that "nearly thirty young people are living together inside. Are you going to kill them all?" Then Asahara said in outrageous tone "they were all my disciples in their previous lives. They are mistakenly under Ohkawa. They are not saved if I don't kill them." I was only in silence.

Several days after this, when I saw Asahara in eating place of the sect, for the first time, for a moment, I wanted to kill him.

On the 23^rd of the same month, it was the day on which Asahara designated to kill Mr. Ohkawa as gods' will, but we failed to manufacture microwave generating equipment, so it was put off.

On the 28^th of the same month, Mr. Kariya's incident.

The first ten days of March, as for information gathering in Yugoslavia, there was talk about Plasma weapon, as a purpose of making sure, I offered going there to Asahara, but he persisted in NO.

On the 8^th of March, I was ordered investigation if it was possible to set spray of botulinum toxin on mass media, on the 11^st, I reported it would be impossible to do to mass media, I was ordered to conduct the attaché case incident.

On the 13^th, after looking the site over, when I was eating in a family restaurant, I strongly felt "why does he make me do this?" I thought "Half-finished is not good. If I am watched by Asahara, even chance of running away disappears and I will be killed. If I don't conduct this, I have no choice but to kill Asahara". I yielded to severe self-hatred by the thinking. "I can't endure such a contradiction. Because I can't deny Asahara, I have no choice but to deny myself", I was obsessed. However, that alone is too sad. "If toxin has been manufactured, it's like setting nuclear weapons. If we make Japanese fabric of society which was made to be a dependent country of US break down, path of Armageddon may change. It may be gods' will. Yes, I will do for gods' will." I decided.

Before noon of the 15^th, when I saw the TV news about the attaché case incident, I knew that one I had set was found without working, I thought "I'm not able to conduct". Although I checked if it would work, unconsciously, I didn't push the button. 

Continued to the seventh chapter.

So As Not to Have the Mistake Repeated by Future Generations, Chapter 5

Click here for the fourth chapter.

Chapter 5 Hypocrisy

In mid-September of 1994, I headed to Mitsubishijuukougyouhiroshimakenkyuujo to invade, in vehicle, I thought hard "I don't want to do such an invasion. I have fear. But I have no choice. Because it is gods' will".

Invasion was successful, I obtained maps Asahara ordered to obtain. But he only blamed me saying "your devotion is something wrong. Why didn't you copy all materials? You are such an idiot without academic background". Such his abuses in which he neglected my personality was the order of the day at that time. I blamed myself "I have suffering because my ego is still remaining", believing earnestly "it's a gods' will", I repeated invasions to companies.

On October 17^th, when I delivered an offering to Kamikuishiki-village in the night, Asahara suddenly ordered "MT made VX. There is need to make sure it works. Use it to Takimoto's car. Be careful because he is alarmed. Go immediately." At the site, in a high building which was a little far away from lawyer Taro Takimoto's house, there was light. "I am watched" I said to other members and was relieved. When I reported it to Asahara, he said to himself "it can't be helped".

After that, Asahara, like he made me retrieve the fact the plan about lawyer Takimoto fell through after all, forcefully ordered me to obtain maps of NEC's laser. As for the factory, I couldn't obtain other disciples' help, invasion was conducted without enough preparation, I was found by a guard.

In mid-November, I was investigated by the police about the abduction incident in Miyazaki, according to instructions of lawyer A, I stated "I am now conducting branch activity". As such, I thought, as myself, as for conducting Vajrayāna, it already reached its limits, when I reported to Asahara about investigation, I said "because there is possibility that my statement may be checked, I'd like to return to branch activity". Then he only said "what are you afraid of?" and showed no sign of treating it as an issue. Several days later, Asahara ordered me to investigate Mr. Mizuno's home without telling me its purpose. This started my involvement in the series of the VX incidents.

In the middle of the night of November 26^th, I was in great distress while I was in a sleeping bag in Imagawa's house. Immediately before, when I ran to Mr. Mizuno to spray VX, I felt that our eyes met, so I ran away without doing anything.

The feeling "I can't do this" couldn't be helped, but my thought was focused on "if I was told to do even if so". Soon I started to be in great distress, I eagerly remembered Asahara's word "if you can't, it's OK to make AY do it". Then, by implication, I told TN that our eyes had met as a reason, he immediately decided to call Y.

Next morning, when AY took over the charge, I was filled with thought that I couldn't show my unsteadiness to TN, so I had no room for concerning with Yamagata. I am sorry I have done Yamagata wrong.

When I recall, within this series of my inner conflicts were the all-too-human sins of hypocrisy and self-absorption. I couldn't conduct Asahara's order because I couldn't believe the cause of salvation enough in actual site. However, it was self-protection that I couldn't run away from Asahara because of fear. However, the feeling "I can't" was shocking and I was in great distress. At that time, Asahara prepared an escape route for me saying that if I couldn't, he would make Yamagata do it, so I ran away there. Then my distress disappeared. I think, as a part, I didn't need to face the reality that I couldn't believe the cause of salvation enough, so I could continue pretending to believe it. It was irresponsible hypocrisy itself without neither consideration of other people nor honesty to myself.

On the other hand, in order not to be noticed that I was avoiding conducting it, I calmly coped with other things than conducting it, and repeated invasion in companies. And I made myself be a tragic hero, I thought "somebody needs to conduct Vajrayāna for salvation", I comforted myself with self-absorption in the mental aspect of the cause while I was put in a hole by Asahara. The more I notice my hypocrisy, the more I am berated up by a severe sense of guilt and self-hate.

Why did I go that far with staying the sect? Sometimes I was said "in short, you couldn't deny Asahara because you feared that you wouldn't be able to reach emancipation and a spiritual awakening?", after Asahara held suspicion toward me, and after I lost myself when I experienced overwhelming fear when I was forced to take 1 mg of LSD, I had no such feeling.

At that time, as for all things including me, others, training, and salvation, the criteria changed all the time by Asahara's one word, they became elusive. In it, Asahara was all, I couldn't stand if I had a normal sense, and if I made myself have independence and if I had rational thought in which I would head to emancipation and a spiritual awakening which was objectively defined. Instead, I was absorbed in work in front of me, like I was depending on guru's will which only didn't change, and what was named gods' will.

After the incident of Mr. Tadahito Hamaguchi, soon I learned that he died. At that time, felt like I was sinking in darkness. Then I thought "I cannot be helped, I only have choice to go this way", I was more absorbed in work in front of me.

When I recall, normally, I should have thought what I would become in near future. However, at that time, I couldn't think about what I would become in future. What I thought was if my behavior was doubted by Asahara.

In the last analysis, there was an aspect in which I treated a man slightingly because I treated myself slightingly. At the time of the incident of Mr. Hamaguchi, I didn't feel or think Mr. Hamaguchi as a human. I tried to look at himself as one object of the work Asahara ordered, and actually I did. These were violations of human life.

I remember when Mr. Hiroyuki Nagaoka came to meet me. Best of all I deeply apologized about the incident. Mr. Nagaoka watched my eyes and glistened with tears. I again thought what I did, I felt so apologetic, my eyes were only filled with tears.

At that time, I totally lost human feeling like being moved to tears. At this time, I was continuously cornered to the limit, it was only for a moment, but I felt an intent to kill Asahara.

In mid-February of 1995, I was ordered to bring an offering immediately by Asahara, when I visited the sect's eating place, I saw Asahara singing karaoke with being surrounded by young female samanas. I couldn't bear to look at it, my ardor was dampened, without saying anything, I returned to vehicle. When I sat down on the seat of the vehicle, I was shocked to know I was thinking "should I spray him VX? Or, because it won't kill him, should I paint VX to a drawing pin and set it on a sofa?" At the same time, I instinctively felt "if I leave the sect, not only me but my all family will be killed, only way to be apart from Asahara is to kill Asahara who orders killing". But I was sure I couldn't, I was terrified about everything.

When I recall, I only was disconsolate and pitiful. But my subordinates and disciples whom I ordered work were also involved in crimes. On thinking it over, at that time, I only considered Asahara, I didn't have a sense of responsibility nor consideration about my subordinates and disciples. Because it was part of Asahara's order as doctrine, it was individual's training, I thought, basically, it was for practicing charity. But as a fact, in order to conduct Asahara's orders, I used my subordinates and disciples like they were my tools.

In the last analysis, one reason why I could't escape from Asahara's rule was because I did the same thing as Asahara did to me to my subordinates and disciples. Although I didn't use force, give fear, use strong language to my subordinates and disciples, I was the same as Asahara in that I used their religious beliefs.

Continued to the sixth chapter.

So As Not to Have the Mistake Repeated by Future Generations, Chapter 4

Click here for the third chapter.

Chapter 4 Criminal

Immediately after Mr. Kotaro Ochida incident (In January, 1994, in the sect's building in Kamikuishiki-village, an ex-disciple Mr. Ochida tried to evacuate a female disciple with an ex-disciple her son but was caught, Asahara ordered the ex-disciple to kill Mr. Ochida), although I thought "dying in front of guru may be a happy thing. But…", I couldn't find the next word. I was only full of fear. And then both "fear" and "but" disappeared from my consciousness because Asahara gave me a warning "I think you might have already understood but since this is a murder…"

After the incident, Asahara made his disciples chase the ex-disciple who broke a promise that he would come to the sect, and then he was found in Akita prefecture. Although I also was chasing, I personally feared that if I ran away, Asahara would thoroughly chase using his disciples and money. Although ten including HM , TN, H rushed to the ex-disciple's apartment in midnight, the police were called, we ran away.

I think this well expressed my condition. I believed that conducting guru's will was to help salvation, and also my training. But, in a place deeper than my heart, I couldn't stand up to my fear toward Asahara and ran away, in fact, I was ordered like being chased, concentrated on my work like I was running away. No matter how much I ran away, the footsteps of fear chased me.

Immediately before we rushed to his apartment, in order to prevent calling the police, I thought I had cut all telephone lines consciously. However, after I was arrested, a prosecutor told me that the ex-disciple called the police using phone in his room, that telephone line of only his room had been not cut, the others had been all cut. This was what I unconsciously did. The fight between my consciousness and mind which became like a shadow because of fear to Asahara was only on this level.

In April 1994, in front of twenty members of firing tour to Russia, Asahara said "Disciples who will leave the sect must be killed. If you go home, all of your family will be killed. Even if you ran away to the police station, I blow up there. Also, who breaks the rule of no-sex will be killed. Inoue isn't an exception, too. But I let those who want to get married go ahead and do so." In the same place as one where Mr. Ochida was killed, I, being told by name, couldn't help but feel fear.

One day, when I was running in a park, when I saw American parent and child were playing with swing, I thought "am I going to kill them?" Because Asahara said that if fight began, he would kill all Americans. I only continued running repressing my tears.

In June of the same year, Asahaha did what was near to kill me mentally. According to N's testimony in the trial, the reason was because Asahara had a suspicion that I might leave the sect because I couldn't concentrate on the work.

"You are a hopeless person. Sufficiently meditate again and die" Asahara said, and he made me drink 1 mg LSD. Shortly before that, as a guinea pig of LSD, I was forced to drink 150 micro mg, temporally I was in breathing-stopped condition, I was near death. "If I lose consciousness now, I will die", although I immediately started to be in a daze, I, by sheer force of will, I cheated guard samana, went into toilet, drank water of toilet, and then vomited all in my stomach. I returned to my room, and then I fainted.

About half a day later, when I recovered consciousness, Asahara said "tell me what you are hiding", it was very strange, so I kept silence, and then he threatened me "if you take too much LSD, you'll die. I think I have to force you to drink it" in intimidating voice. After that, I was like a sandbag in sparring, was forced to do training in which I enter high-temperature-bath to heighten energy three times, and was finally released. After that, when I returned to my room, "now I can't think anything, I can't feel anything. My life is in danger. Now I only have to harden my heart", I lonely moaned. By this incident, my heart was broken, and my mind as a human was increasingly lost.

At that time, Mr. TN, a member of firing tour to Russia, was killed because of his women issues. KT left the sect, and then Asahara ordered to kill him. Mr. TT who was suspected to be a spy was killed after torture. Every time when I heard the facts, I "took fright", and felt like it was me. In each time, I couldn't concentrate on work, like I was absorbed by them. In order not to see, not to feel, I determined, and I concentrated on work in front of me.

The fact that I was involved in such condition was a well-earned punishment. As for a big factor why I didn't leave the sect after Mr. Ochida incident, there was fear that I would be killed if I left the sect. This was self-protection totally against my wish to save people. And self-protection was totally against my seeking for truth of emancipation in which I tried to overcome selfish desire. I think I couldn't face such contradiction because I feared Asahara, plus, I had no consciousness of sin in contradiction of what I was doing.

At that time, I seriously believed "if everything will be extinct by Armageddon which will come in any case, what kind of meaning does modern society’s life have? In order to save many people, we should change the society which proceeds to Armageddon". Asahara called this vajrayāna's salvation, it means to self-destroy modern society by military power, I believed that Asahara was trying to open up new peaceful society by repeating ill deeds and by bearing them. In the sect, all works which Asahara ordered were said to have deep meaning for the cause. There, sin meant to be against guru's will which was based on gods' will. Because it meant to prevent path to save many people, to prevent each disciple's training. In short, the criteria for good and bad was only guru's will.

Then I had no idea to be against guru's will. Only thinking I couldn't do involved a sense of guilt, I only blamed myself because I thought I was immature. Although I couldn't accomplish what guru wanted me to do, as long as I did what I could to try and complete his orders, I could depend on everything being okay.

When I look back, by swallowing the cause, I relied on Asahara about judgment good or bad, I renounced a natural sense of responsibility as a human about my behavior when I became a priest. For this reason, although I conducted various shameful contradictions, I didn't notice the fact. On the other hand, realizing guru's will was to help salvation, it also became my training, I was in self-satisfaction of  goody-goody good-man consciousness.

In the final analysis, such swallowing of the cause and goody-goody self-satisfaction cornered me to the edge of my personality's disintegration, and made me "criminal" who was involved in many crimes.

Continued to the fifth chapter.

So As Not to Have the Mistake Repeated by Future Generations, Chapter 3

Click here for the second chapter.

Chapter 3 Loss

In the summer when I was twenty years old, 1990, while samanas started their training for going to higher stage, I was ordered to start training after my stage was lowered without being told its reason.

During training of three days, Asahara's wife who was a training supervisor misunderstood that I was dozing and I was repeatedly warned. After several after that, I was called by Asahara to come. Asahara yelled "I heard you defied my wife. When will you stop this madness? You such an idiot!", and he sentenced "from now, you should be ready for Vajrayāna" in threatening tone, and then HI who was a female executive locked the room. Taking hold of a stout, carbon-processed bamboo sword, Asahara made me stand at attention, and swinging the sword like a baseball bat, vigorously struck me in the back of my thighs. The dull sound of the sword slamming into my muscles echoed, "whack!" The slow but incredible pain shot through to my bones. After several such blows, my body was flung forward.

He scolded me to "get up!" and I struggled to stand, my feet trembling. He stomped just his feet, and with irregular timing, would continue to relentlessly hit me with full powered swings of his sword, "whack, whack!" I felt a biting pain again and again. I heard Asahara was yelling "there's more to come!" I didn't know what's what because of yelling, fear and acute pain, I felt like I was broken to pieces like glass was broken to pieces.

Finally, I faintly heard Asahara was yelling "you know, I'm gonna beat you up until you fall". For an instant, I felt power flew out from nowhere, and then I stood up.  Soon, I didn't fall, I felt my legs were repelling the sword. HI was counting, it seemed that I was hit about fifty times.

"Let's call it a day. You must know what will occur if you do this next time", I was threatened and released. I clenched my jaw, I managed to walk, when I came to exit, I couldn't stand up.

After that, about 2 weeks of my memory had simply snapped away. But because N gave testimony to this matter at the trial, 2 to 3 days later, I once again recalled in bits and pieces that I had been converted to Vajrayāna. At this time, I remembered that I had tried to run away from the room, but door was locked, I was grappled and was badly beaten. When I look back, because of this loss of memory, I think I lost very precious "something" as a human.

In the summer of 1991, when I was twenty-one years old, Asahara said very harsh "you are an obstacle to salvation. You are only a chessman. Why can't you do what you are told to do? Your idiot. One more say. You are an obstacle. You should do as a chessman". At that time, Asahara created new status "convert" as disciples, and tried to make many disciples who met the condition. And then he gave me impossible quota, and I couldn't fulfill the quota at all. It was the reason why I was scolded.

In the branch office activities, samanas were taught that they should have been a bridge between Asahara and his disciples as Asahara's chessman.

If I was ordered to make disciples become priests, I made them so without considering disciples' paths of lives nor connections with their families or friends. If I was told to gather offerings by making disciples borrow money, I recommended offering even if it came to corner disciples' lives. These were sin to humans, sin to trample disciples' healthy will. But at that time, I was not aware of the guilt. Although I acted based on Asahara's order, I saw disciples' distress by it.

I couldn't help but ask myself why I could be irresponsible. When I look back, I believed that Asahara's order would be for salvation. It was training of Daiingei, I thought that it was training and that's why it was irrational, I had to do my best. But I never wished to lose human sentiment by it. However, as for Asahara's tall orders, if I had human sentiment, many were impossible, in following his orders, my sentiment was increasingly paralyzed, at the same time, I think that human sentiment toward disciples was also paralyzed. Although I was seeing disciples' distress, I began not to feel it.

What made my sentiment paralyzed was my conceit that it was Daiingei training and salvation, and was my bigoted mind which couldn't follow the voice of my conscience which said absurd things were absurd. I think this bigoted mind was the mind's figure of a person whose memory was severed yielding to terror of Asahara's violence.

In 1993, when I was twenty-three years old, I was involved in spraying anthrax at Kameido practice hall. I took part in sterilizing work for cultivating bacteria. It was when I was cooling boiler alone in the work. "Who in the hell would believe this? No, if I record this by video, police may believe…This may be the last chance to stop this plan…" When I thought so, suddenly my body trembled, unspeakable terror wrapped me. "This is gods' will. Humans can't conceive such a plan. I can't prevent it. I can't betray guru. If I do so, it is a heinous crime", fear to prevent gods' will was over fear to continue the work.

When it was ready to spray, Asahara sat in zen meditation on the sofa having the start button, meditated for a while and then pushed the button by himself. After that, because of the bad smell of the spray, residents in the neighborhood surrounded the practice hall and there was a hell of a noise. Only Asahara and Seigoshi evacuated by car, left samanas had only to confine themselves. After that, Asahara pretended to rush there, explained "we sprayed Chanel's perfume for a purification ceremony" to the residents. In fact, in order to kill the smell, we put Chanel's perfume. Then the residents roared with laughter, while samanas looked down at the ground, holding back their laughter.

When I look back myself from the condition at that time, from spraying method in which we mixed Chanel and anthrax, I think about children's innocent cruelty. About Asahara’s irrational orders, I believed they were Daiingei. I think this was the same as children's innocence. Plus, I think this was the same as children's cruelty.

But I didn't want to be a person who do childish evil without compunction. Asahara taught me ego was evil, I endured his orders, my ego was only suppressed, and in doing so by myself, I think it's almost like we became totally unable to see the enormity of our actions in the usual way we see ourselves and perceive reality. It seems that there is one reason why disciples committed such an outrage here. 

Continued to the fourth chapter.

So As Not to Have the Mistake Repeated by Future Generations, Chapter 2

Click here for the first chapter.

Chapter 2 Reversed

When I met Asahara, he was straightforward and did not show off, and his words and actions were the same, so I believed that he was seriously trying to devote himself to others. It was also my ideal father image. On top of that, he had a huge capacity for accepting everything. It was also my ideal mother image. When I joined a seminar in the winter when I was a sophomore in high school, Asahara had a high fever and fell over because he had done too much ceremony in which he had sent "ki". And then in his preaching, he talked in dizziness "mercy is to think about other people when one is completely cornered". I believed that Asahara devoted himself and I was so moved.

After that, the sect began teaching "don't think by yourself". In the summer when I was a third-year high school student, about the relationship between guru and disciple, Asahara asked me "a disciple should not ask anything even if he or she has any question, a disciple should continue doing what guru tells to do without asking. Can you?", I automatically answered "I will try to do my best". But at that time, I felt unbearable pain in doing what I couldn't consent. Although I wished to become a priest, Asahara instructed me to go to university to become a lawyer without telling me its reason, so I was confused. I was told that the confusion was because of ego, although I felt a sense of self-disgust, I started having question if it was all right to throw oneself into guru. Also I thought that earnestly following guru and pursuing pleasure to forget about sufferings were the same. I felt an infinite sadness no matter what I did, like I was deceiving myself. In my diary, on August 31^st,1987, I wrote "I feel that forgetting suffering is what I most feel painful."

At that time, I couldn't pursue contradictions and ego which I couldn't abandon although I tried to abandon, which followed me like a shadow any more. I believed "guru won't lead me to wrong path", and I persuaded myself not to think by myself.

Looking back, I think not to think is to stop being a human. In the sect which told me not to think, the answer was decided that guru's thoughts were right about everything. In it, although uneasiness in thinking "what is justice" disappeared, also possibility of being troubled for maturing disappeared. And then without asking other person's opinions, I began stopping being conscious about other person's position.

In 1988, when I was eighteen years old, when I became a priest, my parents came to see me off to Shinkansen platform. When I bowed my head to my parents, I couldn't look up because my eyes were streaming with tears. In Shinkansen which headed to Tokyo, I told myself "Even if we are family, if we are in the ring of joy and sorrow of compassion, suffering will endlessly continue. I will express emancipation which is outside of the ring, and I share it with my parents. It is never a thing to grieve".

In the summer, Asahara who had returned from India suddenly shouted in the center of the sect, and he slapped male samanas (priests) one after another, also my head was slapped. And then he said "this is Vajrayāna. I removed your karma". Although I had been taught that, in Mahayana, mercy was to devote oneself to others, in Vajrayāna, it changed to say that mercy was to remove other person's evil deeds he or she committed in his or her previous life by giving others pains. Although I understood it was reasonable as its doctrine, I was shocked "gee, it will be going too far". But because I adored esoteric Buddhism, I told myself "don't fear. It is all right if I can start from what I can". Looking back, the reason why I accepted Asahara's violation although I felt fear and uneasiness was because I aimed too high to be a good boy because I wanted to learn esoteric Buddhism.

As for my childishness to be a good boy in front of Asahara, it was what I had been doing when I had been his believer for being recognized by Asahara. It was because I was told that it was necessary for disciples. However, when I honestly look at myself, I felt pride in being a good boy, and I was even self-absorbed in such behaviors. One reason why I proceeded to the path to adult reversely was because I was mean to be such a good boy.

In April, 1989, when I heard Asahara's preaching declaring firmly "we can only fight", I thought "if I fight, doesn't it become only karma? First of all, truth must not be ruined?" And then when I heard the calling for disciples’ agreement with Asahara who said "let's fight for the truth", for the first time, I relapsed into silence.

At that time, I was nineteen years old, and for the first time, I was suffering in love with my subordinate. In the sect, just having feelings of love was not allowed, our relationship was against the rules. Moreover, I was suffering from a sense of sin that I was betraying Asahara. But it was only for a half of a year. The sect rapidly became larger, management system became stricter because of an anonymous report, and then Asahara came to know our relationship. As a punishment, I was ordered to conduct seclusion of no food, no water in aluminum container under blazing sun of August for four days. I was like in sauna, in the second day, I had no sweat, my heartbeat was faster and then more slowly. The door was locked from outside, going outside was impossible, for the first time in my life, I was fear-ridden thinking that I might die.

After that, I bumped into her who was waiting for Asahara on Japanese-style mattress in Asahara's room. Although I lost my breath, I only blamed myself who couldn't lose myself for Asahara.

When I think about it now, I think I was scared to feel and consider anything more than that. At this point, I think I was in condition in which I was mentally emasculated as a man.

The reason why I fell silent to Asahara's calling for the first time at that time might be because my body reacted that the truth Asahara was insisting was powerless in front of easiness naturally created in natural contact with her. It might be one of few chances to regain myself during losing myself.

But it flew away because of mortal anxiety in four-day seclusion of no food and no water, too. The lesson that loving other person was not allowed was driven into my head, I became a person who couldn't face love.

Now, I am in the process of learning that it is indeed through the pain of loving that I have been able to establish myself. I think that people can nurse consideration for others naturally in loving each other. In the sect which forbade to love someone, to grow as a human was impossible. 

Continued to the third chapter.

So As Not to Have the Mistake Repeated by Future Generations, Chapter 1

We post the private note of Yoshihiro Inoue here (with his permission). 

As the private note is long, it will be posted chapter by chapter. 

Please read the following. 

Chapter 1 Why? 

I've been pondering on countless occasions why I perpetrated a heinous crime after my arrest. In the final analysis, before joining Aum Shinrikyo, I already had problems. Going back to the past, it was because I didn't understand what a religion is, it seems to me that it was because I didn't open my eyes to the meaning of being contradiction with human life. On top of that, my weak point of personality is to be impatient, to play cool, and to make a quick judgment.

As an event which symbolizes these problems, I remember when I visited my maternal grandmother who was admitted to a geriatric hospital. It was just full of old men and old women, and their unspeakably sad-looking eyes followed me around. "It's like a modern Ubasuteyama(mountain where old women are abandoned) here! Although they had been devoted themselves to children and society, they are secluded such a place and only waiting to die, I have to do my best about this." I felt sad and anger.

If I try to realize my thought at that time, "I have to do my best about such a thing", why people can feel easy to leave their beloved ones admitted to a geriatric hospital where I thought that the aged were abandoned, I should have opened my eyes to such human contradiction. But I one-sidedly longed for the utopia which had no contradiction. Looking back now, although it was young man's sense of justice, it was perilous without knowing the world. I think one reason why I was attracted to such utopia is because of the discord within my family.

I remember when I was a kindergarten student, my mother attempted suicide. My mother fell on the floor of kitchen. "What? Yoshi, come here". My mother swingingly raised her body and beckoned to me. Although I wanted to fly to bosom of my mother, but I couldn't, I wanted to run away, but I couldn't. Finally, I heard an ambulance siren, my mother cried "Please leave me die. Please leave me alone", she was carried into ambulance, and it ran away leaving me. Since then, I always trembled to think about my mother.

As for my father, I remember he was behaving violently in my house. If occasionally my mother and I had a meal with my father, he suddenly shouted and flipped the chabudai over. My mother screamed and quarreled with my father, and then she retired to the room on the second floor. My father sustained in the drawing room on the first floor, and my elder brother immediately went back to his room. Nobody cleaned the room, always I did, I was excessively sad, I cried alone. But about such my family, I didn't think to be unhappy. When I was a child, I loved documentaries and I knew that there were many people who had nothing to eat and suffered in the world. Although my father didn't smoke, didn't drink, didn't do gambling, and was a serious man, when I saw my father who couldn't take his ease even at home, I began thinking "there is no happiness in his way of living". When I was in middle school, I couldn't have ideals what kind of adult I wanted to be. At that time, I learned the idea "deliverance from the wheel of life" of yoga through Martial arts that I studied by myself.

Although I couldn't believe in the philosophy of rinne (a belief in reincarnation), by the fact it was said clearly that world is mutable, I was moved to think that I met the truth without deception for the first time. Then I felt that all happiness is chained to mutable suffering without exception, and I was shocked to think humans were living in so endless sufferings. I was attracted to emancipate myself from the suffering, and I thought that I found what I would like to do in life for the first time.

As for the above itself, I think it was not things to be blamed if I caused no one inconvenience. I think that my great offense was to be constrained by the word "social revolution by developing spirituality" of Agonshu I met in searching what emancipation was by self-study without studying the context. What was said was "the modern society is full of various problems, if human mental ability stays the same, humans use modern technology violently and then humans may come to end, by only developing spirituality, humans can escape from such risk". Aum called this relief from Armageddon by gods' intention.

Thinking back now, this was not religion nor thought, but it was an agitation which agitated saying that changes of individuals were widely used to changes of society, it was an illusion.

But at that time, I was fifteen years old, and I took it seriously and my passion was flamed up to think I should have done something. But when I entered Agonshu sect, I found that it lacked the developing spirituality and I disappointed. But because Asahara suggested the part, I was interested, I entered Aum when I was sixteen years old, and then I fell into it.

Is there an answer to sufferings and sadness of human beings? Now, I realize how hard it is to face sufferings which have no answer. Asahara drew the conclusion that sufferings were only sufferings, and taught that there were true happiness, emancipation in another place where there was no suffering, and he called the path truth. I believed that there was an answer to mutable sufferings in Asahara's teachings, tried to obtain it, believed that it would be salvation for everyone, and spread his teachings.

At first sight, Asahara's teaching seems to be the same as emancipation from sufferings of transmigration, at that time I understood so. However, after my arrest, I was shocked to learn that what Buddhism originally tries to deliver is not the saving from sufferings based on simple dualism which divides good and bad.

To be specific, it seems that religion's essence is to know love which spreads in one's heart for the first time when humans bear and accept sufferings of various contradictions which humans create and to raise one's character. I think this was obviously the path to be an adult.

So there is no clear answer to suffering, on the contrary, believing that there is the answer given by other person, and relying on it were to lose oneself, and it was a trap of religion. Like Asahara's teaching, teaching which rejects human contradictions can't be said as religion, it was only for losing mind as a human.

At the age of 16 I fell into the trap of religion. In the sect, it was as if the experiences so precious to becoming an adult were taken away from me.

Continued to Chapter 2.